Unhealed Scars
by NikkiP
Summary: I turned the bottle up and drained it. “I’m sorry Kim, that’s all I can say.” He sounded sincere, I knew he was. I don’t know why I got so mad. “Sorry doesn’t change the past Steve"
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I only own what you don't recognize.

Chapter One

I was sound asleep until I felt an enormous amount of weight come down on my stomach, a gave a loud agitated groan as I opened my eyes.

"Get off me" I yelled. "You know I'm always pissed in the morning, why do you do this shit?" My eyes still weren't focused but I knew who it was.

"Time to get up little sister, you don't wanna be late for school." He said smiling.

"How the hell can you be all cheery when you wake up? I hate when you do this, not everyone likes school enough to flunk on purpose Two-Bit." He just laughed.

"Yea, this coming from a girl that skips more classes than she goes to." Then he laughed again.

"Well, look at who I have for a role model. You know I really can't breath with you on me, and you laughing makes it worse."

"Oh it does, well how about this." He said before he started bouncing up and down on my stomach.

"Get the fuck off of me Tow-Bit." I yelled as I rolled over and dumped him onto the floor. He got up quickly and brushed his back side off and started towards me.

"Damnit Two-Bit" I said throwing a pillow at him. "Get out so I can get ready" He turned around and started to walk away then he turned to say something.

"TWO-BIT GET OUT" I yelled at him.

"Gosh, so grumpy." He said under his breath. I gave an irritated sigh as I hauled myself out of bed. I was glad I took a shower the night before because all I wanted to do was get dressed and get to first period so I could go back to sleep. I was just finishing putting on a little bit of makeup when I heard Two-Bit yelling.

"Move your ass girl, we gotta go." I brushed my hair and grabbed my books.

"Quit rushing me, why do you care about being on time anyways." I said as I walked past my brother and out the front door. I was standing by the driver side door when Two Bit came outside.

"What are you doin?" He said.

"Don't play dumb, you know it's my turn to drive." I said, hold out my hand.

"Who's got the keys little sister?" He said jingling the keys in his hand. I put on my best puppy dog face and said please. Two seconds later I was spinning the tires outside of Pony's house to let him know we were there to pick him up. He got into the back seat.

"I knew you it had to be you driving." He said to me and he sat back in his seat. "I thought you weren't gonna let her drive no more Two-Bit."

"What can I say, I'm a sucker for a sad face." He said with a shrug then lit up a smoke. I reached over into the glove compartment and grabbed my pack and lit one up to. Then I stomped on the gas, we made it to school in record time, we always did when I was driving. The front of the parking lot was full of Mustangs and Corvaires and every other expensive car that mommy and daddy soc got for their little babies. I sneered as I drove past them.

"Man, if these cars didn't look so tuff I'd be half tempted to smash into one of them." I said making my way to far right corner of the parking lot. That's where we parked. By we I mean the greasers, the hoods, low life's, society rejects, or what ever other name they think up for us. I stepped on the gas then jerked the wheel to the left and slammed on the brakes. I slid right into our parking spot, followed by a cloud of smoke and the smell of burnt rubber.

"Damnit, Kim, you gotta quit doin that shit, if you mess my car up I swear to god…"

"Clam down Two Bit, I didn't hurt nothin." I said as I reached into the back seat and grabbed my books. "See ya'll later" I called over my shoulder as I headed to class, I have gym first and second period so I had to stop by my locker and drop my books off. I could never take books to gym because I always forgot them and wound up in class with no book. No teacher in their right mind would let me out of class, because they were 100 percent sure that I wouldn't be back. I couldn't blame them, they know my brother pretty well, I guess they just figure we can't be to different, and hell, they were right. It wasn't unusual for him to show up in the gym before first period was over, and he'd stay until after second period. I walked into the gym and sat on the top bleacher to wait for roll call. I saw Steve walk in a few minutes later, he takes gym first and second also. He was closely followed by his girlfriend Evie. She looked distraught, and he looked mad as hell. He turned to her and said something that made her cover her face and walk back out the door. That's exactly why I don't want a relationship, it's to complicated, to much bullshit for me. Steve plopped down on the bench beside me, leaned against the wall, and sighed.

"Girl troubles huh?" I said with sympathy.

"Like you would believe." He still sounded so mad, I wondered what happened, but decided not to push it, Steve doesn't like to talk about things until he's ready to, and when he's ready, he'll tell you everything.

"That sucks" I said leaning back as well. I was just gonna close my eyes for a second but the next thing I knew someone was calling my name.

"Kimberly Mathews" I heard Steve say, "She's here"

"Kimberly, what have I told you about sleeping in gym?" The coach said in a loud voice. Everyone turned to look at me, I stared through the hole at the bottom of the bleachers and focused on the floor beneath. I hated people staring at me, I was happy just standing in the shadows, not being noticed. "If I catch you doing it again, you'll get to run some laps." I heard the snickers and whispers. I wanted to crawl into a whole in the wall. I don't know why I get so nervous like that. I mean I'm as loud as can be when I'm with my friends and people I know. But that class in mostly Socs, except for me and Steve and Curly Shepherd whenever he showed. It wouldn't have phased me if it where a mostly grease class. The Socs just make me, uncomfortable.

"Hey, lets walk outside and grab a smoke" Steve said long after the roll call. I looked around, a lot of guys were playing basketball, some were throwing footballs and baseballs, and there was a group a cheerleaders practicing cheers in the far left corner of the gym.

"Yeah, lets go" I said getting up and stretching. We walked out to Steve's car, halfway through our smokes Steve opened up his door and pulled out a brown paper bag and took a big drink out of it. He started to put it back when I grabbed his arm.

"Don't hold out on me." I said as I grabbed the bottle and started gulping. I have no idea what possessed me to do it. I was at school and I knew if Two Bit found out he's be mad as hell at me. But I kept gulping Steve just stared at me until I was through. I handed him the bottle back, I was feeling really good at that point.

"Damn Kim" Steve said as he turned the bottle upside down, there wasn't a drop left.

"Oh, sorry," I said. As I lit another smoke. He just laughed.

"Let's hope you don't run into your brother." He lit another smoke and threw the bottle across the street. We stayed out there just hanging out until the bell rang. We had to go back inside for roll call again. I don't really remember to much of what happened the rest of the day. All I know is I made it through 6th period before I started to sober up. That was good, since I had to ride with Two- Bit to the DX, I was the book keeper there after school and some weekends. I saw Evie pull up and knew it wasn't gonna be a good day, Steve would be in a bad mood and Soda would be trying to cheer him up, which means, once again, I'm left in the shadows. I don't mind not being noticed when I'm around Socs, but when I'm pushed back into the shadows by my friends it's different. I sighed as I sat down behind the counter. I had to find something that would take my mind off everything. I reached into my pocket and halfway pulled out a sandwich bag, it was still halfway full. I smiled, I knew what I was gonna do on my break.

I was rolling my third joint when I heard someone come around the corner I tried to hide it but it was to late. My reaction was slow from the last two joints I smoked.

"Kim, what the hell are you doin?" I looked up at Steve through glazed eyes and smiled. I was scared or nervous at that point I didn't really care who knew about my habit. "Kim?" he said again, wanting an answer.

"Damn, Steve, it's pot, you've smoke it enough, you know what it is." I said with a little laugh.

"That's something I used to do Kim, I don't anymore." He said sitting down next to me.

"Yeah, now you're an alcoholic." I said before cracking up, I don't know why I found this comment so funny, but at the time, it was hilarious. He gave me a serious look.

"You are to, you drink about as much as I do." He said lighting a smoke. I licked the joint and dried the paper with my lighter before blazing it up.

"Well, drinking isn't enough for some people" I said as I inhaled deeply.

"What do you mean by that?" He said looking at me. I snorted.

"Don't try to get all deep on me Steve, and try to figure out why I do the things I do. I don't even know why I do half the things I do." I said as I took the last puff off my joint. I put it out and put it in my pocket to flush later. I stood up and swayed a little I reached for the wall but missed it. Luckily Steve put his hands on my shoulders to steady me.

"Are you o.k.?" He said looking into my half opened eyes. I laughed.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'll see ya later Steve." I went inside to put the books of figures up and headed toward my house. It seemed like I walked forever until I finally made it home. Two Bit was out, probably with one of his girls. Mom was at work, I had the house to myself. I went to fix me something to eat when the phone rang.

"Hello, Damnit, " I said as I dropped the phone. I bent down to pick it up and burnt my arm on the open stove. "Fuckin shit" I said as I put the phone back to my ear.

"Hello?" I said again.

"Kim, what the hell was that?" It was Steve.

"Ugh, nothing Steve, what do you want?" I said, my arm was still smarting something fierce.

"Wow, that's a good way to greet someone that's calling to make sure you got home o.k." I hate when he's sarcastic.

"Sorry, I just brunt my arm on the stove it hurts pretty bad." I said as I got the butter out of the fridge.

"Damn, are you o.k., is it really bad? Do you need to go to a dr. or something?" I sighed.

"No, it's not that bad. I'm putting some butter on it now." I said I took a quick breath as the cold butter touched my burned flesh. I closed the stove and turned it off, I didn't feel like eating anymore. I sat down at the table and sighed. It was so quiet I almost forgot that Steve was on the phone.

"I'm bored." It was the only thing I could think of to say.

"Where's your brother?" I felt really stupid, Steve always calls for Two Bit, I didn't know why I was thinking he wanted to talk to me. It must be the weed I thought to myself and shrugged.

"Hell if I know, I can't keep up with that kid." Steve laughed. "It's Friday night he won't be here till tomorrow morning, you know him." I picked up a pencil and began to doodle on the napkin in front of me. "So, what are you up to tonight?" I asked.

"Nothing at all, I was thinking about going over to Sodas and see what's goin on over there, there's always something." I laughed at him.

"Yeah, as a matter of fact I was thinking about going to Pony's too, I really don't like being all by myself." I mentally kicked myself, why did I say that? I hate the stupid stuff I say sometimes.

"Well, since we're both goin there, I'll pick you up on my way, it's getting dark."

"Alright, just beep when you get here." I hung up the phone and rushed upstairs to take a shower. I don't know why, if it was anyone else, I would care about the way I look. But for some reason Steve's opinion mattered to me.


	2. Window to the Past

Chapter Two

I Just got through drying my hair when I heard the horn beep. I quickly brushed my hair and ran downstairs. I was out of breath when I reached the door, damn, I gotta quit smoking. Steve said he was supposed to meet Soda at the school after the game, then we'd go back to Soda's.

"That's fine," I said. "So are there any plans, or are we just gonna hang out?"

"I dunno" He said as we pulled up into the parking lot. "I'll be back" He shut the door and headed off to look for Soda. I stepped outside and lit up a smoke. I inhaled and blew it out as I looked around. It was twilight, just after the sun went down. A cool fall breeze slightly lifted my hair, a single leaf fell down out of a near by tree. I caught it as floated by. Good luck, I said to myself then snickered. When has anything good ever happened to me. I was the only person in the parking lot, I don't know if I sensed his presence first or heard his foot steps. I don't know if he even saw me, he was walking to his car, and I was standing so still. I casually brought my cigarette to my mouth, his head turned, he was starring right at me. There's no way I could know for sure if he saw me or not. But deep inside, I know he did, he had to, he was looking right at me. He dropped his head and pulled his car door open, then looked in my direction again before sliding into the drivers seat and pealing away followed by a cloud of smoke. I took a deep angry breath. Why do I do this to myself? Every time I see him I wonder, will this be the day? Will he finally talk to me again? But it never happens, it never will. It kills me every time I see him walking down the hall with his friends, laughing at lunch, throwing the foot ball in the parking lot. I can't help myself, he's so cute, so good looking. I hate myself for the way I feel, Evan Summers is a soc, he's a rich snob who hates me and everyone else who doesn't have the right amount of money. If he was just any soc, I couldn't care less, but I know Evan's better than that, I know he's different. Or at least he used to be, I can't honestly say that his heart hasn't changed with the rest of him. I wonder if he remembers how it used to be when we were little. We had every class together from kindergarten until 9th grade. We ate lunch together, we even spent the night at each others houses until his dad got a new job and they moved to the eastside, even then, we stayed best friends for years. Not a day went by that we didn't call one another or spend time together. When we got into high school things changed, he change. It was so sudden, such a shock, I didn't know what to do. So I did the only thing I could do, act like it didn't bother me. I've been acting like it doesn't bother me for two years, this shit gets really old. I want to grab him and shake him, I want him to look at me, really look at me. I want him to look into my eyes and tell me what changed him. But that'll never happen. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts I didn't even hear Steve and Soda come walking up.

"Who are you daydreaming about?" Soda taunted me. I snorted.

"Not you" I said forcefully. Steve laughed.

"That hurts Kim," Soda said sadly, "It hurts right here," he placed his hand over his heart.

"Oh get the fuck in the car Soda" I said as I pushed him into the backseat and climbed into the front.

"Who said you get shot gun" He said kicking the back of my seat.

"Me, that's who." I said with a laugh. Steve cranked up and pulled off, he pulled into the DX and got out.

"Where's he goin?" I asked turning around to face Soda.

"Probably to get a lot of beer, he saw Evie at the game, with another guy." I couldn't see Soda's face all that well, but knew he was sneering. I turned and grabbed the door handle.

"Where are you goin?" Soda asked .

"I want some beer too, I know Old Joe will sale me some." Soda was in the middle of a sentence when I slammed the door. I knew he would just try to talk me out of it, he understands almost everything, but this he just can't seem to dig. I was walking in when Steve walked out.

"I'll be out in a minute" I said as stepped inside the DX. I bought a twelve pack and gave Old Joe an extra ten, so he slipped me two pills and a nick sack with my change. I put it in my pocket as I walked out to the car. When we got to the Curtis's Two Bit was already there with a six pack of his own. I laughed as when cheered as we walked in. He loves to drink. About an hour later I decided to go for a walk. Darry was off with some of his old buddies on a skiing trip, and Soda was on the phone with Sandy, everyone else was to drunk to notice. I had only had two beers so far so I was still pretty sober. Not for long, I thought to myself as I pulled out my weed and my pills. I took the pills with the rest of my beer then threw the empty bottle at a street sign. I sat down on a bench to roll up the joint that I had. I rolled it tight so it smoked slow. I savored it and threw the roach away. I just sat there for awhile until I saw a set of car lights shinning through the dark streets. I looked at my watch, there isn't to many people that drive around at 12 am. When the car stopped right in front of me I should have been scared, but I was so high at that point, from the pills and weed that I didn't really care. I just sat there as he got out of the car. If I had been sober I would have walked away, without a second glance, but I wasn't, so I just sat there. As he walked towards me and sat down, I didn't move. I just stared at his car, a cherry red Corvaire with dual exhaust and a supped up engine. I couldn't think of anything to say even though there was so much I wanted to tell him, so much animosity.

"Tuff car" was all I could manage.

"Thanks" he said quietly.

"Did mommy and daddy buy it for you?" I couldn't help myself, I had to say it.

"Funny Kim" He said sarcastically. I gave an angry snort.

"Wanna know what else I think is funny? The fact that you can act like I don't exist. The way you can stare you can stare straight at me and look right through me at the same time is fuckin hilarious." I said at I got up, turned my back and started to walk away. I heard him calling my name but I didn't look back, I kept walking, I knew he wouldn't follow me, he didn't care that much. I staggered into the yard, Steve was on the front porch.

"Everyone else is passed out" He said as he chugged his beer and reached for another. I reached for one too and took a sip of it.

"How ya feeling Steve?" I asked him nonchalantly.

"Like shit" He said as he looked at the ground.

"Yeah, I know what you mean." I said as I too hung my head.

"Why did I fall for a whore?" He asked.

"Look Steve, I've been there before. You're mad, you're blaming her now. But soon you'll realize that you can't help who you fall for. Just like you can't help loving Evie, she can't help her feelings for this other guy. I'm not gonna give you all that bullshit about how time will heal all wounds and you'll get over her. She was your first love Steve, no one ever gets over that, it'll never completely go away. But it will get easier, that I can promise you." He looked at me with a small smile on his face.

"The fact that you're Two Bit's sister really shines through sometimes Kim. You really can put things into to words good." I laughed a little then got up and went inside. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine that seeing Evan was just a dream. I was so messed up that night, when I woke up in the morning, I really thought it was just a dream.


	3. Life Death, Which is Better?

Chapter Three

The next few weeks were normal, full of school, work, drugs and alcohol. I saw Evan all the time, but I'm used to it by now. I try not to let it get to me, except for the few moments of weakness every now and then. Steve was trying to act like he was fine with the way things turned out with Evie. He'd even began dating another girl, Leslie Jenkins. You could tell she was just a rebound, me and Soda had a poll going to see how long they would be together. Soda won, I had to give it to Steve, he stayed with her a lot longer than I thought he would. This was the beginning of many meaningless relationships for Steve. It killed me to have to sit back and see him with all these girls, I knew he was looking for something, someone to fill the empty place in his heart. But I knew he wouldn't find it that way, he wouldn't find it with any of those girls. He knew it too, he was just trying to pass the time and of course trying to make Evie mad. Which wasn't working.

"Long time no see Mathews." I quickly turned around, then smiled.

"How's it goin Curly." I said. "How was reform school?" He shrugged as he took a seat on the bench next to me.

"If you don't start goin to school, you'll be able to see for yourself how it is." He said as he lit a smoke. I laughed then shrugged.

"I just didn't feel like goin today." I said looking up at the sky.

"Well, I hate to run but, my girl wants to see me, this being my first day home and all." He said as he got up.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do" I said to his retreating back, he turned around and winked at me. I stared at his back as he walked away and shock my head. It seems like that's all I ever see from people I care about, people that are supposed to love me and be there for me. All I remember seeing from my dad is his back as he walked away. That's all I can think about when I think of Evan, him walking away from me and our friendship. Even Two Bit, my own brother, no matter what was happening if a blonde called him he was outta there, and I was forgotten. I didn't matter to Evan or to my dad, or even to Two Bit. I wonder if I'll ever matter to anybody. I got up and headed towards the house, I knew no one would be there. I walked in and went straight to the refrigerator it was always stocked with all kinds of booze. I grabbed a drink and started in, a few hours later I was drunk off my ass. It was around three in the afternoon when I heard it. BANG BANG BANG. What the fuck is that, I thought to myself. I got up out of my chair and muted the TV. There is was again, BANG BANG BANG. I suddenly realized that someone was at the front door, I felt like such a dumbass. I jerked the door open and was surprised to see Steve standing there.

"Hey," he said. "I thought I'd stop by on my way to work, Two Bit said you were sick." I tried to focus on him, but my head was spinning. I drank way to much, I thought to myself as I felt my stomach flip flop. I tried to swallow and control myself, but I couldn't. I whirled around and ran for the bathroom. I grabbed the toilet bowl, thankful that I made it in time. I threw up and threw up and threw up some more. Every time I finished throwing up and tried to stand I had to throw up again. I kept thinking, this time I'll get all the alcohol out, this time I'll be o.k. But I wasn't I kept throwing up, I was so disoriented I didn't even realize that Steve was there with me the whole time. I threw up until there was nothing left and I was just dry heaving, but I couldn't stop. Steve got scared and decided to take me to the emergency room. I hardly remember the ride there, all I know is that we had to stop three times because I had to throw up so more, but of course nothing came up. When we finally made it there, they put an I V in my arm. We found out that I had alcohol poisoning. They let me go a few hours later and gave me some medicine for my stomach. Steve had already called into work so he helped me into the house and decided to stay until Two Bit got home. My mom wouldn't be back until around 2 in the morning. Steve hadn't really said that much since we left the hospital. I was laying on the couch watching T.V and Steve was coming in from taking the garbage out. He sat in the chair across from the couch.

"You wanna tell me what happened?" He said looking at the side of my face. I was trying to act like I didn't hear him. "Kim, are you gonna answer me?" I turned to look at him with bloodshot eyes.

"I drank a little to much." I said simply.

"The dr. said if I had waited any longer to take you to the hospital you would have been dead. Just think Kim, if I hadn't of shown up when I did you would be dead right now." I stared at him for a few seconds.

"Why DID you show up Steve? What made you come by here?" I asked in an irritated voice.

"What do you mean by that? If it wasn't for me you'd be dead Kim." I could see the slightest hint of fear in his eyes and it confused me a bit.

"What makes you think I wanted to be saved? What makes you think I should be all grateful to you? What makes you think I didn't want to die today?" I don't know why I told him that, it just came out before I could stop myself. I could've slapped myself when I saw the expression on his face. There was silence for a few seconds, that was the longest few seconds in my life, maybe it was because I was still feeling the affects of the alcohol, who knows. Finally he said something.

"Why would you do that to yourself Kim? What in your life could possibly be bad enough for you to think you don't deserve to live?" He was looking at me so intensely, I can't do this, I thought to myself, not right now. I cracked a smile and laughed.

"Damn Steve, you don't have to get all serious on me, I was just kidding." I looked at him and instantly stopped laughing, he wasn't smiling at all. I couldn't help it, I tried to fight it, but I felt a tear roll down my cheek. My bottom lip began to quiver, I bit it so hard I thought it would bleed, I shut my eyes, but it wouldn't stop. The tears came. It had been so long since I cried, I bawled like a little baby, Steve got up and sat on the couch and put his arms around me. I held onto him so tightly, like he was the only thing between me and death, and he was, he had been the only thing between me and death a few hours ago. When I finally gained control of myself and my vocal cords I spoke.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Steve. I don't know what made me do it. Every thing just hit me at once, I felt so bad, so unloved, so unimportant, like I didn't matter to anyone, not you or Soda, or my father, or Evan, or even Two Bit. I'm just so sick and tired of being in the shadows all the time." I took a deep breath and looked at him. He shock his head.

"I had no idea you felt like that Kim. Why didn't you just say something, if I would have known, it would have been different. Why didn't you just say something?" I laughed.

"Oh yeah, I can picture it now, Steve I'm feeling left out, like I don't matter to anyone, do you think you could try to include me a little more?" I laughed, "Does that sound like something I'd say?" Now it was his turn to laugh.

"No, it doesn't. Look Kim, I'm real sorry for the way we've been making you feel, I know you won't feel comfortable with talking to any of the other guys about this, but from now on, if you start feeling that way, please, at least let ME know. Alright?" I smiled, the first genuine smile I'd given anyone in awhile.

"Alright Steve, I will." I said.

"Look, I know it's not that easy, I've been there before, if it wasn't for Soda, I wouldn't be here today. So I know what your going through. I just want you to know that if you ever need anyone, I'm here, no matter what." I smiled at him and nodded my head, but knew that I would never go to him for help, I would never go to anyone for help, it just wasn't in my nature to do that.


	4. New Light

Chapter Four

I was mad at myself for weeks after that. How could I do that? Why did Steve have to show up? Now every time I looked at him I felt so weak. Like I wasn't strong enough to take the things that life throws at me. I caught myself looking at the guys I grew up with, I mean really looking at them. Their lives were no better than mine, but they took it in stride. Yeah, things might get to them sometimes and when they felt like they couldn't take it anyone, they had one of their famous rumbles. That's how they blew off steam, that's how they dealt with things and from the looks of it, fighting helped and they were good at it. I had to find a way I could blow of steam, fighting isn't my thing, don't get me wrong I'm not scared of anyone, I've never backed down from a fight in my life and I've never lost one, I just don't go around looking for one. I'll do everything I can to avoid a fight, everything but walk away. I had to find something that I could do, something that I liked, something I was good at. I thought about it for a while, it wasn't until a few weeks later in gym that an opportunity arose. Most of our gym class wasn't there that day, due to an away football game. It was just me, Steve, Curly, and a few of the smarty Socs who were studying. I don't know what possessed me to do it, probably boredom. I grabbed a basketball, I remembered when me and Two Bit used to play all the time a few years ago. He probably got tired of me beating him all the time, he has a big ego problem. I felt good to hold a basketball in my hands again, natural. I shot a few free throws to warm up and dribbled a little bit. Then I started doing layouts, then went to three pointers. I didn't miss one shot. I was so wrapped up in what I was doing, I didn't realize that everyone, including the Coach Roy was watching me. I took a knee to tie my shoe, wondering why everything was so quiet I looked around and saw the faces starring at me, Coach Roy was walking towards me. I stood up, casually holding the ball under my left arm, wondering what I did wrong now. I was confused when I saw the smile on his face, he was shaking his head and grinning as he walked across the court.

"Are you any good when have an opponent?" He asked when he reached me. I shrugged.

"I dunno, it's been awhile." I said still confused.

"We're having tryouts for the girls basketball team after school today, think you can make it?" I shrugged again.

"Yeah, sure." I said as the bell rang. I turned around and met Steve halfway across the court then went outside to have a smoke before third period.

"What'd he want?" Steve asked as we puffed away outside.

"Nothing, he just wants me to stop by basketball tryouts after school." Steve laughed then stopped when he saw I wasn't.

"You can't really be thinking about trying out can you?" He asked in disbelief.

"What if I am? There's nothing wrong with that." I said defiantly.

"Kim, you know the team is full of Socs, it's not gonna be easy." He said seriously.

"What in my life has ever been easy? I wanna do this, I like playing ball, I think it would be good for me." I looked at him for his approval. He nodded his head in understanding. I smiled and took one last drag off my smoke before heading inside.

I walked into the gym after school, it was just like Steve said it would be, all Socs. I looked around, getting used to my surroundings and ignoring all the stares and giggles that were being thrown my way. I took a seat away from everyone else and started concentrating, practicing blocking everyone out, I knew I'd have to get used to doing that a lot.

"Alright, here's how we're gonna do this, just like every year. We'll start with some basic drills and sprints, then we'll move on to lay ups, free throws, and three pointers. Well, lets get started, everyone grab a number and put it on the back of your shirt. I walked down and grabbed a number, 13, great a said to myself, that'll bring me luck. We ran sprints first. I heard all the comments and saw all the sneers that were being thrown at me. I tried to ignore it, Cindy Carver went as far as to try and trip me before the fourth round of sprints. I regained my balance and shock it off, I wasn't gonna let her or anyone else mess this up for me. When we finally got through warming up and stretching they gave all of us a basketball. As soon as that ball was in my hands, nothing else mattered, nothing could phase me, I was felt like I was in my element for the first time in my life, and it felt good. I was almost sad when it was over, I was sweaty and tired and my sides, legs and arms were aching, but I'd never felt better in my life. I couldn't keep the smile off my face.

"Alright, the roaster will be posted first thing in the morning, if your name is on it, your position and number will be posted right beside it. I know we lost our star player last year and we were dreading coming into this season with Lisa Davis, but I think we'll do pretty good this year." He said, I thought I saw him look at me for a second, but I knew he hadn't, I refused to let myself think I made the team, I didn't want to be disappointed. I was still smiling when as I walked down the bleachers.

"Do you really think you could make it on this team? We're seasoned, talented ball players, you're a dirty greaser who probably learned how to shot a gun before you ever picked up a basketball." I stared at Cindy and shock my head, giving her a half smile half sneer as I walked away. It took me a long time to go to sleep that night, self doubt had always been a part of my life, but it's something I never completely got used to.

I got up early and walked to school the next day. I was the first one there, sitting in the parking lot by myself smoking a cancer stick. The gym was unlocked, I knew I could go in and check the roaster any time I wanted, but I just sat there staring into space. People started arriving about 15 minutes after I got there. Mostly girls, running into the gym to check the roaster, some came out with smiles, others with frowns, some even with tears. Cindy Carver and her flock of friends all arrived at the same time. I watch them walk into the gym with such cool confidence. I wondered if they were as nervous as I was. I instantly threw that idea away, people like that don't get nervous. I stood up and took a few more drags off my smoke before throwing it to the side. I took a deep shaky breath, this is it, I said to myself, if your names not on that list, sitting out here all day isn't going to make it appear. I closed my eyes then took a step forward. I heard a horn beep and I instantly jumped back. The Corvaire pulled up and stopped right in front of me. Evan Summers was sitting in the drivers seat. I just stood there, waiting for an insult.

"So, you tried out for the basketball team huh?" He asked nonchalantly. I squinted at him.

"How'd you know?" I tried to say just as nonchalantly, but it didn't come out right, nothing ever does.

"Cindy" He said, with that one word, that one name, all the pain of losing him came back to me, he was my first love, I don't guess you ever get over that. But you never get over losing your best friend.

"Oh, your girlfriend." I said with venom in my voice.

"No, we're just dating." He said shrugging his shoulders. I nodded before looking up towards the gym. Cindy and her friends were looking in our direction. Evan saw he too, but didn't seem to mind.

"Did you make the team?" He asked, what is this, I thought, he's trying to make small talk?

"I don't know yet." I lit another smoke and looked up at the gym again. Cindy was motioning for Evan to come over there.

"I know you'll make, you were always great at basketball." He said before looking into my eyes, revving his engine and driving up towards the gym. I just stood there in temporary shock. Two Bit and Steve pulled up just as Evan left. I saw the look on the guys faces and saw how quickly everyone got out of their cars. I mentally kicked myself, I knew better than to talk to Evan at school, I knew better. They hated him just as much as I did, but unlike me they were to willing to turn that hate into a bloody fist fight which would do nothing but cause us more trouble. Out of all the Socs, he was the one we hated the most, because of the simple fact that he used to be one of us.

"What the fuck was that all about?" Two Bit said angrily. I stared at him then at the others, their eyes were full of the same hatred as my brothers.

"We were just talking about basketball." I said with a shrug.

"I bet he had a mouth full to say about you going out for the team." This comment came from Steve.

"He was just wishing me good luck, that's all, can we drop it?" I said in a pleading voice.

"Don't let him give you any bullshit lines Kim" Two Bit in a dangerous voice as he glared over at Evan. I followed his gaze and saw Evan pick Cindy up, spin her around, then place her back down before covering her smiling mouth with his own. I closed my eyes and gave the slightest of shudders. When I opened them again I saw Steve looking at me, I knew he saw. I just looked at him before clenching my jaws and lifting my head to stare at the sky.

"Can we just drop it?" I said with a little anger this time. No one else said anything about it, but they didn't lose that angry look in their eyes. When I walked into the gym everything else left my mind. The only thing I could think about was the roaster. There was a big group of girls standing around the sheet that was pinned to the bulletin board. I noticed the looks I was getting from most of the girls as they walked away. I stepped back and leaned against the wall, waiting for the crowd to die down. When almost everyone was gone I started to walk towards the roaster only to be cut off by Cindy and her group. I guess they hadn't checked the sheet yet. They marched up there and began looking through the sheet. I heard yelps of glee and some, "maybe next time's". Then all of a sudden.

"What??? It can't be. This has to be wrong, there has to be a mistake. Coach told me last year that I was shoe in for Lisa's starting position as point guard." It was Cindy and she sounded livid. I heard her flipping through the sheet. "He gave my spot to her???" She said with such disbelief as she turned around to look at me. "This has to be a joke, you not worth the air we fill the basketballs with and He gives you my starting spot? This won't stick Mathews" She said with so much anger before stomping off towards Coach Roy's office. I stood there in shock for the second time that day. I slowly made my way towards the roaster. I was still filled with doubt, what if they were just joking? What if it wasn't true? I turned to the M's and looked for Mathews. There it was at the top of the page, Kimberly Mathews, First String, Point Guard. I smiled as I turned around and raced for the parking lot, Two Bit, Pony, and Steve were still out there smoking one more weed before school. When I finally reached them they were looking at me like I was an idiot for running across the parking lot. But when they saw the smile on my face they softened a bit.

"Well, kid, did ya make it?" Two Bit asked. I laughed.

"Hell yea I did. You're looking at Tulsa Highs first string point guard." I said proudly. Steve's face lit up a bit.

"You're starting?" He said with disbelief. I nodded with enthusiasm. We heard angry voices coming from the gym, we looked up and saw Cindy and her friends heading to class, they were all throwing mutinous stares in my direction.

"What's that all about?" Pony asked. I sighed.

"It seems like Cindy Carver was counting on getting that position." I said with a little laugh.

"You know it's gonna be a tough season don't you?" Steve asked as we headed to the gym for class.

"Yeah, I know, but I'll have the time of my life." I said with confidence, it was the first time I'd felt that in awhile.


	5. Lost in the Past

Chapter Five

I stood under the shower, letting the hot steamy water hit my soar body. I gingerly rubbed my shoulder and winced at the pain I felt form the slight pressure. There was definitely going to be a bruise there. I saw the vague formation of another bruise on my left leg and my right hip smarted something fierce when I walked. I took a look at it and saw the beginnings of yet another bruise. I sighed and shock my head as I sank down to the floor of the shower and brought my knees up to my chest. I knew my first practice was going to be tough but I hadn't counted on anything like this. I put my head in my hands and sighed again as I recalled past hour and a half. It was completely obvious that Cindy and her friends didn't want me on the team, every time the Coach had his back turned I was tripped or pushed or both. That's the reason for all the bruises, I never realized how hard a basketball court was until I smashed into it again and again. That didn't bother me as much as getting no play. After I passed the ball the first time I could be sure not to get it back. Even when I was wide open and had a perfect shot that I knew I could make, my teammates would rather shoot a wild off balanced shot than pass me the ball. That's what really got to me, if they did that come game time I was certain we wouldn't make it past the district finals. I got up off the floor and turned to water off. I was just getting dressed when the rest of the team came into the showers.

"Good practice huh Mathews?" One of Cindy's friends called to me. I smiled despite myself.

"Better than I thought it'd be" I said, lying through my teeth.

"Well we'll be sure to meet your expectations next time" Cindy said as she headed towards the showers. I shock my head and grabbed my stuff before heading out the door. I almost ran right into Coach Ray.

"Why are waiting outside the locker room Coach?" I asked.

"I need to talk to some of the girls before they leave." He said.

"Oh, anything I need to know about?" I asked, not wanting to be excluded from any team oriented information.

"Nah, you did a great job considering this was your first team practice and of course considering the conditions you were forced to practice in. Next time it'll be a lot better Mathews, I promise." I nodded before turning around and walking out of the gym. I wondered why Coach Ray was all of the sudden being nice to me and treating me like a human being.

"Hey" I stopped dead in my tracks at the sound of his voice.

"Hey" I said back.

"I was watching your practice and I want you to know I don't approve of the way you were treated." I laughed at what he said.

"Oh really? I'd rather be treated like that than ignored. It's easier to deal with." I said turning around to walk away. I was stopped by a hand on my shoulder.

"I've been trying to apologize for that for the longest and you know it." He said through clenched treat.

"Well actions speak louder than words" I said jerking my shoulder away. I glared into those sea green eyes that I remembered losing myself in years ago. I blinked back tears that I knew I could never let him see. We stood there in silence for a few minutes before I turned and walked away. I silently wished that seeing my back as I walked away hurt him as much as seeing his back all those years had hurt me.

Coach Ray was right, my next practice was a lot better. I still had to deal with all the comments and sneers but they didn't get physical anymore. They even passed me the ball a few times, but only if there was no other option. I knew he said something to them, whatever it was I was glad he had. We needed to play like a team despite our feelings toward each other. Our first game was on Friday against Lee High. I was so nervous sitting in the locker room before the game wondering if I'd live up to the standard that I set during practice. Coach Ray thought I had talent, he thought I was good, he gave me Lisa Davis's starting position, he wanted me to take her place. It was a new feeling for me, have people depend on me like that. It felt good. I can't describe the feeling I had during my first game. But after the game was over I was extremely happy, I felt proud of myself for the fist time in my life. We won 24 to 6 I made twenty of those points. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel good about myself. When I walked out of the locker room I was greeted by a swarm of people. People I didn't even know were coming up to me slapping me on the back saying, "Good game". All kinds of people, Socs and greasers, middle class, even peoples parents. I was in awe of the whole situation. I felt completely out of place with all those people around me. I just got walked through the crowd as quickly as I could and made my way towards the back o the parking lot where Two-Bit and the guys were waiting.

"Wow Kim, I didn't know you had it in you." Soda said as I walked up.

"She always had it in her." Steve said smiling at me. I just laughed and shrugged my shoulders.

"Come on guys, don't make a big deal about it." I said throwing my stuff in the back seat and lighting a smoke.

"I don't think it's good for the star basketball player to be smoking." Soda said with a grin.

"Shut up." I said as I took a drag. We were all standing around talking about what to do to celebrate. We had just decided on going back to Soda and Pony's and getting rip roaring drunk when Evan pulled up in front of us. My heart starting beating ninety to nothing. Is he crazy? Why would he pull up when all the guys were around, knowing how they felt about him. I sensed the mood change instantly. Everyone stood a little taller, their composure more ridged than normal. The overall atmosphere was more strained and full of anticipation, all a matter of seconds.

"Good game Mathews." He said trying to sound aloft.. I opened my mouth to thank him, but Two Bit beat me to it.

"She knows it was a good game Summers, she don't need you to tell her that." I sighed, I knew better than to say anything or try to get in the middle of it. Evan looked at me and I returned his gaze with confused eyes. A part of me was pleading with him to leave know, but another part wanted him to stay and get the ass whooping he deserves. Thankfully he didn't reply to what my brother said, he just smiled, shock his head and took off. The atmosphere was still strained when he was gone.

"Come on guys, lets go, don't let him ruin our night." Steve said as he headed towards the car. I decided to ride with Steve to Soda's house, the others went with Two Bit. We had to go by the DX and get the beer then run by my house so I could drop my stuff off. I guess I was being quiet, I was trying to convince myself not the think about Evan and Cindy and how they were celebrating tonight's win.

"So how do you feel big shot?" Steve teased. I just looked at him and shrugged.

"I don't know, I mean I had a lot of fun tonight, but I don't know about all this big shot shit." I replied. He laughed.

"I was just joking." He said as he got out of the car to go buy the beer. When he came back I was staring out the window at the stars thinking about how much things have changed since I was little. It was just so hard for me to grasp that those were the same stars me and Evan used to gaze at on clear summer nights. Back then, if I were to predict what the future held, this defiantly wouldn't be it. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn't even realize Steve was back in the car.

"You gotta quit thinking about him Kim." He said in a serious voice. "Living in the past can kill you." I dropped my gaze and stared at the darkness in the floor board.

"I know" I said. "But it's so hard."

"He's a bastard" Steve said with venom in his voice. "He betrayed all of us." It was the first time anyone had even brought up Evan in a conversation sense he changed.

"I know, it's just harder for me I guess. I loved him ya know. I guess a part of still does." I said looking at Steve with so much pain in my eyes. I knew he could see it, I just couldn't hide it. It was the first time I'd ever said that out loud.

"I know you did, I know you still do, but that doesn't change what he did. That won't change who hw is know. He'll never be the same person again Kim." I looked up at the ceiling, blinking back tears. We sat there in silence for a few minutes.

"Alright," I said with a smile. "Lets go party" Steve grinned and roared up the engine and peeled out. Yeah, I thought to myself, lets go get drunk so I can forget about everything, so I can forget about Evan.


	6. Unanswered Questions

Chapter Six

I staggered onto the porch and sat down with my legs dangling off the side and pulled out my pack of smokes. I was in the middle of packing them when Steve walked out or rather staggered out and sat beside me. He didn't beat around the bush, he got straight to the point which is so typical of him.

"Do you think you'll ever be able to let go?" He asked. I looked at him then at the beer I was holding.

"Why are bringing him up? I drink to forget." I knew it was the alcohol talking but at the same time I knew it was true. He just looked at me, speechless for a few seconds.

"I never realized you took it that hard." He said looking at the ground then glancing up at me then at the sky. "I don't think anyone did." He added.

"Yeah" I said, with animosity. "No one ever noticed me or how hard I took it, or anything for that matter." I turned the bottle up and drained it.

"I'm sorry Kim, that's all I can say." He sounded sincere, I knew he was. I don't know why I got so mad.

"Sorry doesn't change the past Steve. Sorry doesn't make all the years of neglect and being cast into the shadows go away." I was on a role but I paused, curious about his response to my statement.

"I know it doesn't change the past Kim, but it can make the future a lot better." He said raising his voice a bit.

"When my dad left everyone was so concerned about Two Bit and how he felt. No one stopped once to think about how I might be feeling." My voice was raising as well with every word I said. "When Evan left and when he changed you all got mad, you were mad because you felt betrayed, he betrayed his boys, his friends." Two Bit, Pony, Soda and Darry were all on the porch at this time, wondering what all the yelling was about.

"No one, none of you," I said looking at every single one of them. "Stopped to consider how I felt. You knew I loved him, you all knew. He loved me too, you were the ones that told me he did, before he had the courage to say it himself. You never once asked me if I was o.k. or asked how I was feeling." I paused for a minute, Two Bit started to say something.

"Shut up Keith, I'm not finished." I said pointing a finger at him. I looked at Steve. "You wonder why I got alcohol poisoning, why I almost died. You're the reason Steve" I said glaring at him. "You're all the reason," I glared at the others. "I thought you guys were my friends, you're my brother Two Bit" I said, starting to break down, I angrily wiped the tears away. "Thanks for being there for me guys. Thanks for worrying about me. Thanks for picking me up when I was down." I was in sarcastic mode now. They were all staring at me like I was crazy. "Who was there for you Darry, when Pony was missing, who talked it out with you? I tried my best to make you see it wasn't your fault. And you Soda, who told you how stupid Sandy was for leaving such a great guy. Who was always there when you needed to talk about Johnny, Pony? I've been there for you the past few weeks Steve, helping you deal with the Evie situation. And you Two Bit, how told you what an ass dad was for leaving us. Who told you he wasn't worth our tears or our love? Me, I've been there for every single one of you when you needed someone. So who was there for me when I needed someone?" They were all looking shocked. "No one, I had to be there for myself. Thanks guys, thanks for nothing." I looked at the ground, still wiping tears away. I had said all I had to say, there was nothing left. I thought I'd feel better after I got it all out but I just felt more like shit. No one had sad anything yet. I had to get away from them for awhile, I had to get away from everything.

"Oh one more thing," I said before I thought. "Fuck you, fuck all of ya'll." Then I turned and walked away not looking back. I didn't know where I was going, I hadn't even thought about it. I wound up at the park, like always, I guess I go there so much my feet aromatically took me there. I sat down on my favorite bench and just stared at the ground, wondering what just happened. I was so drunk, it felt like a dream. Had I really said all that, or had I just imagined it? That fine line between fantasy and reality had become so thin lately I had trouble telling the two apart. Things so out of the ordinary had been happening here recently, I just didn't know what to think about anything anymore. I had so much emotion running through me , so many feelings, the worst part was I didn't know exactly where it all was coming from. I heard footsteps behind me but didn't turn to see who it was. I knew it was Steve, I felt bad for yelling at him, he was the one that had been there for me the most here lately.

"Hey kid" I turned around quickly, shocked at hearing my brothers voice. I just stared at him with blank eyes as he sat down beside me on the bench. There was along period of silence in which we both lit up a smoke. "You're a lot more like me than I realized" He said as he took a long drag.

"How so?" I asked doing the same.

"I never would have guessed how you were feeling, you hide it so well. You were always smiling, always cracking a joke, like your truly. I just never could've guessed." He said shacking his head.

"I'm sorry Two Bit" I said looking at the ground. " I know I made an ass of myself. I don't know why I get so emotional sometimes. I don't know why I lashed out at you and the others. So many people have turned against me in my life and it was beyond my control. I don't wanna be the cause of you all turning against me too." I wiped the tears away and Two Bit gave me a big hug.

"It's not your fault, everyone feels that way sometimes. You just need to remember that your not alone. Believe it or not, we've all been there before and we'll more than likely be there again. It's just one of those things you can't run from in this neighborhood. You'll get used to it." He sounded so bitter. I couldn't help but think about how unfair life was.

"I guess so, it's just hard sometimes," I said. "And the alcohol doesn't help," I laughed, trying to lighten the mood.

"Look, this is your night kid sister, or should I say, he new star of the Tulsa high basketball team." I gave him a fake sneer and pushed his head to the side. "Lets go back, I got a whole house full of good looking boys waitin for you" I laughed.

"Shut up Keith," I said with a laugh.

"That's something I've been meaning to talk you about. Never, I repeat never use my name again, no matter how mad you get." He punched my arm playfully and I laughed.

"That my dear brother is like asking me not to breath." I said before hitting him in the back of the head and running ahead of him, or rather from him towards the Curtis's house. I ran across the street and instinctively he followed. I heard the horn beep and heard the tires screeching. My heart was pounding with fear as I turned around. I let out a sigh of relief when I saw Two Bit had jumped out of the way in time. But the fear returned quickly as I saw the Corvaire had stopped and four Socs had got out of it and were walking towards my brother. I guess they hadn't seen me. I was a little ways off because I was a lot faster then Two Bit, but I could see them clearly as two Socs grabbed my brother and the other two started working him over. He was giving a good fight from what I could see. I just stood there in temporary shock. I finally regained my senses and ran towards them. But by that time my brother was close to being unconscious. I froze as soon as I was close enough to realize that one of the Socs that was hitting him was none other than Evan Summers I could tell that they were all really drunk.

"Evan," I yelled as I got closer, "Even William Summers what the hell are you doing?" They all turned to look at the new person that had arrived at the scene. The two holding Two Bit let him drop to the ground. They all looked towards Evan waiting for him to say something. Waiting for him to start insulting me, waiting to see if he'd go as far as to take a swing at me. He just stared at me, with pure hate in his eyes.

"Get in the car," He told the others. "We're leaving." they all headed towards the car, obeying his orders.

"That's how it is now huh?" I asked with slightly slurred speech. "You say jump, they say how high." I shock me head in disgust. He just starred at me, through drunken, squinty eyes. I went to my brothers side to help him up. I looked up as he was heading towards the car.

"Evan," I called after him, leaving my brother to sit on the curb and gain his senses. He stopped and turned around meeting my gaze. "What's happened to you?" I said blinking back tears. "What made you hate us?" A single tear rolled down my cheek. He couldn't even look me in the eyes as he turned around and walked away. He got in his car a drove off, leaving a trail of smoke behind him.

I sat on the curb next to my brother while he shock off the beating he had just received. He was tuff and I admired him and the guys so much. They've all been jumped at least once in their lives. But they always seemed to be able to shack it off so quickly.

"You alright," I said handing him an already lit smoke.

"Yeah kid, I'm fine, just sorry you had to see that." He said looking at the ground. I guessed he was just ashamed of the fact that he couldn't hold them off.

"It only makes you look tougher Two Bit, you didn't even make a sound when they were hitting you." That made him smile, and I was glad. He put an arm around my neck as we stood up and he kept it there all the way back to Pony's house. I knew he wanted me to think it was out of affection. But I knew that he needed the extra support and I gladly gave it to him. Before I feel asleep or should I say "passed out" that night the last person on my mind was Evan. I wondered what really made him hate us so much. I guess I'll never get the answer to that question.


	7. Past Laid to Rest

Chapter Seven

After that night I no longer avoided Evan in the halls, I no longer stared at the ground when he walked by. I didn't hide from him anymore. From that day forward I held my head high while I walked to class. I realized that now it was him who avoided me, he wouldn't meet my gaze. He hung his head when I was around. It felt good to have the tables turned for once. Or at least it felt good at first. A few weeks of that and I realized that I couldn't be like him. I couldn't act like I didn't care when I did, I couldn't act like it all didn't matter, when in reality it mattered all to much. After basketball practice one Thursday I walked out of the gym to find him sitting on the brick wall just outside the door. I stopped dead in my tracks and just stared at him wondering what he was doing there, him and Cindy has stopped seeing each other weeks ago. There was only one reason I could think of that he was there, to make up with Cindy.

"Cindy will be out in a minute." I said as I turned to walk away.

"You know I'm not here to see her." He said, not making an attempt to physically stop me like he had in the past. He didn't have to either, his words were enough. I slowly turned around and stood there silently waiting for him to say something. When he didn't I got a little mad.

"Well?" I said angrily "Do you have anything to say, or did you just want to disrupt my life even more by showing up here for no reason?" I saw the look in his eyes and knew I had gotten to him, but it didn't make me feel any better, if anything I felt worse.

"Kim" He said in a slightly pleading voice. I put my hand up to stop him.

"Don't Evan, just don't, alright." I started to walk away again.

"But Kim, if you just let me explain I…" I whirled around and cut him off.

"No Evan, don't try to explain, this can't just be explained away, it can't be apologized for and it certainly can't be forgiven. Yeah, I could have forgiven you for the way you treated me, for the way you ignored me these past years. I could have forgiven you in time. But this, don't even waste your time, don't waste your breath. He's my brother Evan, I saw you and your new friends with my own eyes. I can't forgive you for jumping my brother, you crossed the line. There's no coming back, you're one of them now. That's what you chose, you chose them when your fist connected with his face." I paused for a minute, letting my words take affect, letting them sink in. He just stared at me, he had nothing to say.

"You don't know what it's like Kim, the things they expect from you." I started to interrupt, but it was his turn to hold up a hand. "No, you said what you had to say, now it's my turn. When I moved to the other side of town, it was like living in another country, it was a total culture shock for me. Everyone was so different, they talked different, acted different, listened to different music. They had a totally different outlook on life. It was hard at first, but I was able to tough it out, but when my parents started changing, started fitting into their mold, I knew it was time I made that sacrifice. I had to make certain changes to survive, whether I liked it or not, it was necessary Kim. I know you don't understand, I know you can't, you never will. But that's all I can say. My apology is all I have to give you. I know it's not worth the dirt you're standing on, but it's all I have to give." He was silent after that. I was lost in thought of a few minutes trying to picture what it had been like for him, something I'd never done before. As hard as I tried I couldn't find anything that justified his actions, it was all so unfair.

"Evan, I loved you, you know that. You know how much you hurt me. I'm over that now, yeah, it's still hard some day's, but it's getting easier. You're a different person now, weather you want to be or not, you've changed. I've changed too, I'm not the same person anymore. We can't relive the past, all we can do is wait and see what the future holds. And right now, I can't picture you anywhere in my future. I'm sorry Evan, but what you did just can't be forgiven." I didn't try to stop the tears this time, I let them fall, I let him see.

"So, that's how it's gonna be than, huh?" He asked, staring at the ground.

"That's how it has to be Evan. Look, I don't wanna be mean and I don't want to hate you, I don't want you to hate me either. But I thinks it's best if we just don't talk for awhile. I don't want you waiting for me after practice, I don't want you driving around in my neighborhood, I don't want to see you unless it's absolutely necessary." I saw the anger flash in his eyes.

"Look Kim, you can't tell me where I can and can't drive, and you have no say in where I decide to go. If I want to watch you practice or drive through your neighborhood I can. It's not just your neighborhood, I grew up there too, in case you've forgotten." Now it was his turn to see the anger in my eyes.

"Oh, don't you hand me that load of bullshit. You turned you back on our neighborhood long before you jumped Two Bit. You forfeited your childhood and all your childhood friends that night. You sold us out, you sold me out, to look cool in front of your new friends. What did it feel like huh? What did it feel like to hit a greaser? Did it feel good or exhilarating? Or was like scraping the dirt off of you shoes after a football game?"

"Now Kim, you know that's not fair." He said raising his voice.

"It might not be fair Evan, it's also not fair to lose your best friend because he feels like he has to fit in with the rich kids. It's not fair to see your friends get jumped because they weren't lucky enough to be born on the right side of the tracks. It's not fair to be looked down on because you don't have the right amount of money or the right cloths or you don't listen to the right music. It's not fair that my brother gets jumped by someone he used to trust, someone he used to be friends with all because you just had to fit in, you just had to change to fit into their mold. It's not justified Evan. Nothing you can say will ever justify it. Yeah, maybe I'm being close minded, maybe I'm not looking at the whole picture." I paused to take a breath.

"You're NOT looking at the whole picture Kim" He yelled.

"Until you've seen your brother being beat by someone who used to be your best friend, until you see someone you loved with all your heart take his fist and smash it into your brothers face while he's being held back by two others, then you'll understand, then you'll know how I feel. But until then Evan, I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to see you, I don't even want you're pathetic name to cross my mind. It's over Evan, it's finished, this conversation is through." I was breathing heavily as I picked up my back pack.

"So it's over just like that? Your gonna let go of everything, of our past, of what we had, just like that?" I turned around, a few feet away from him.

"No Evan I'm not letting go, YOU threw it away." I turned back around and felt a strong hand grip my arm.

"This is your decision Kim, you aren't pinning this on me." I looked at him in disbelief.

"Whatever you wanna call it Evan. Weather or not you wanna take responsibility for your actions is not my problem." I knew I had gone to far when I saw the enraged look in his eyes.

"You're right, you have changed. When did you become such a bitch?" He said sneering at me. His words hit me like a ton of rocks but I quickly recovered.

"Probably about the same time you were becoming such a cold blooded asshole." I said through clinched teeth.

"Maybe they were right, maybe you aren't worth the ground we walk on." I couldn't hide my hurt at that comment. The tears filled my eyes and cascaded over the brims. For the first time in my life I couldn't think of a witty comeback. I couldn't think of anything to say that would hurt him as much as that comment had hurt me. So I just stood there with tears streaming down my face, speechless. I saw the look in his eyes change drastically form anger to regret. But that didn't matter, it didn't make the pain go away.

"Look, Kim.." He started to say but he was interrupted, not by me, but by a silent spectator, who hadn't made his presence known until that moment.

"That's enough Summers" He said with so much anger in his voice I hardly recognized it. I turned around to see Steve standing behind me, shacking with silent rage.

"Alright," Evan said, throwing up his hands in defeat. "I tried Kim, you can't say I didn't, if this is what you want."

"It IS what I want Evan, have you not heard a word I said?" I shock my head, whipping the tears from my cheeks. He turned and walked away, I sat down on the brick wall with Steve by my side. We sat in silence until the roar of his engine was to far in the distance to be heard.

"I know that was hard for you." Steve said placing a supportive hand on my shoulder.

"I feel like a big weight had been lifted off of my chest." I said with a long sigh. "It's over now Steve, it's really over." I said as the tears came back. Steve put his arm around me and pulled me close as he smoothed my hair down.

"That part of you life is over Kim. Yeah, you'll miss it sometimes, but who doesn't crave the comfort of the past. There will be other guys Kim, maybe you'll finally meet a guy that deserves you." Steve was the strong silent type, he never had to much to say. But when he did have something to say, you better believe it was worth listening to. And those times, seldom as the were, when his words were directed towards me, I took them to heart. And weather he knew it or not, he was a big source of comfort to me.

The next few days were hard ones for me. I don't know why, I guess it's just all part of the healing process. Everyone was wondering what was wrong with me but I wasn't one for sharing my emotions. I had mood swings, laughing one minute and biting someone's head off the next. The guys would ask me what was wrong, and I would just apologize for the outburst and say I had things on my mind. They knew that was all they would get out of me, so they left it alone. I didn't realize how obvious it was that Steve was the only one able to get through to me until Two Bit mentioned it one Saturday at the DX. I only worked weekends now, with basketball practice and games and all that.

"You and Steve have been spending a lot of time together here lately kid sister." He mentioned a little to nonchalantly. I shrugged my shoulders.

"Yeah, so what?" I said not taking my eyes off the book in front of me.

"So, what's going on with ya'll two?" He persisted. I looked up at him, confused.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, is there anything going on that you want to share?" He asked.

"Two Bit, will you quit beatin around the bush and spit it out, I don't know what your getting at." I was truly confused at this point.

"Do ya'll two have something going on that you're trying to hide form the rest of us?" Understanding dawned on me at this point and I laughed despite myself.

"Oh, Two Bit, you read to deeply into things sometimes, there's nothing going on between me and Steve, not like that. We're just friends. He's just being there for me, that's all." Two bit look relieved.

"That's good, I'd hate to have to beat up one of my best friends." He said teasingly.

"Well, you don't have to worry about that." I said with a smile. Later that night I couldn't get Two Bit's implication off my mind. I looked back to the hours me and Steve spent together and remembered all the little looks he gave me. The little touches and the chills I got when I felt his fingers touch my arm or my cheek. I shock my head trying to rid my mind of those thoughts. It couldn't be I told myself, it would just make things to complicated.


	8. Confontations

Chapter Eight

Confrontations

The next day I tried to put it out of my mind, but Two-Bits words had affected me. Thankfully Steve succeeded in chasing those thoughts from my mind by going on and on about this girl he had just started dating.

"She's great Kim, ten times prettier than Evie ever was." He said. "And she's funny and nice…." It seemed like he could go on forever about her.

"That's good Steve, I'm glad you finally found someone." I said sincerely. He turned to look at me, and his expression changed from giddy to concerned.

"What about you Kim?" He said softly. "We need to find you somebody." I could see the wheels spinning in his head. I quickly rebuked his suggestion with a shack of my head.

"Nah, that's o.k." I said with a smile. "I don't need anybody right now."

"Everybody needs somebody sometime." He said. I couldn't help but laugh at that cliché. He laughed too and the discussion was over.

I was in deep thought on my way to basketball practice. I didn't even see the person walking around the corner at the same time I was. We collided and both fell to the ground.

"I'm so sorry" I said laughing as I looked up to see who I ran into.

"You need to watch where the fuck you're going" An angry voice said, it sounded so familiar. When I stood up and got a good look at his face I sneered at him.

"You son of a bitch" I said glaring at him. We stared at each other for a few seconds then smiled and laughed wildly. He threw his arms around me, picked me up and twirled me around. When he sat me back down I stepped back to get a good look at him.

"You haven't changed a bit." I said with a smile.

"Well I can't say the same about you, you've grown up." He said with a grin.

"I wasn't gonna be a kid forever Dally." I said, smiling at his approval.

"I guess not" He said "Where were you headed to in such a hurry?" He asked. I looked at the ground and kicked a nearby rock. For some reason I didn't want to tell him about me being on the basketball team. I knew he wouldn't like it, he'd probably think I was a sell out or something. Greasers just don't play school sports.

"Nowhere" I said shrugging my shoulders.

"Alright, then walk with me to the DX." He said.

"I can't." I said, looking around wondering if I should tell him the truth.

"I don't see why not if you don't have anywhere to be." He said looking at me skeptically. I sighed and decided to tell him, it's not like I could hide it forever.

"I have basketball practice." I said studying my shoes.

"You have what?" He said in disbelief. I looked up into his eyes.

"I have basketball practice." I said defiantly.

"You gotta be jokin." He said with a laugh. I shook my head and he stopped laughing.

"What's wrong with you?" he said, "you turnin into a soc or something?" He asked in a slightly angry voice. With everything that's been going on with Evan here lately that rubbed me the wrong way. I looked at him with anger in my eyes.

"Don't you ever say that shit to me again Dallas Winston." I said, looking at him through the corner of my eye. He took a step back in shock, I'd never talked to him that way before. Nobody talks to Dally like that.

"Don't forget who the fuck you're talking to little girl." He said stepping forward aggressively. I took a step back, not wanting to be that close to him when he was mad at me.

"Look Dally, I gotta go." I said turning around and quickly walking away. I didn't look back. Damnit, I thought to myself, now Dally's gonna be mad at me for awhile. He doesn't take things like that very well. What a great way to great your friend the first time you see him after he gets outta jail. I couldn't stand it when Dally was mad at me and it affected my performance at practice. I fucked up a lot of drills and made some wild shots. I was so mad at myself as I walked off campus. Nothing had ever broke my concentration before. I was feeling really lousy as I walked home. When I passed the DX and saw Old Joe behind the counter the temptation was just to much for me. I walked inside and handed him fifteen dollars. He gave me a dime sack and two pills. I put them in my pocket and headed towards the park. When I finished the dime bag off I realized that I didn't have anything to wash the pills down with. So I got up and headed towards the DX. I got three beers and paid for them. I was sitting outside on the curb taking my last pill when Steve pulled up, Dally was with him. I just stared at the ground, not wanting to deal with anything at the moment.

"Hey Kim, how was practice?" Steve said sitting next to me.

"Yeah Kim, how was practice" Dally said sarcastically, while he stared down at me. I looked up at him with squinty, glazed eyes. "Damn girl, what the fuck is wrong with your eyes?" He asked with a laugh. I looked down at my shoes and pulled out a cancer stick.

"Kim?" Steve said slowly. I looked over at him. "Damnit Kim" He said shaking his head. "You have basketball now, I thought you stopped that shit."

"I don't need this bullshit" I said trying to get up but stumbling and falling back down again. Dally was looking at me like he didn't know me and Steve looked so disappointed, he opened his mouth to say something. I rolled my eyes.

"Don't Steve, we've been through this before and as you can see, it didn't help." I wasn't in the mood to hear a lecture.

"What's wrong with you Kim? What are you on?" Dally was beginning to look mad. Great, I thought, I can't do anything right.

"Just pot Dally, and a couple of pills, that's all. It's not like you don't do it." I said.

"Well I'm not a 17 year old girl either." He said.

"Yeah you're a whole year older than me, and just cause I'm a girl doesn't mean I can't smoke pot or take some pills. It's my life, my body, my decision." I looked at him and saw the anger was still there.

"This is what I've been dealing with since you've been in jail" Steve said to Dally. The anger erupted inside of me like a ball of fire.

"Oh fuck you Steve. I didn't ask you to look after me. I don't need you to look after me. You should have never showed up at my house that day. If you hadn't everything would be fine. You wouldn't have me to "deal with". I said trying to get up, but still not able to. I looked at them. Steve was looking desperate like he didn't know what to do. And Dally had an expression of confusion on his face.

"What are you talking about?" I looked at him and gave an agitated sigh.

"Don't you two have anything better to do than fuck up my buzz?"

"Alright, fine Kim, you don't want our help that's fine. Forget the fact that we've been through this before, forget that we know what the hell we're talking about. You wanna be miss tough girl? That's fine deal with it on your own." Steven said with so much anger I thought he would explode. Then he turned and walked to his car followed by Dally.

"Good, thank you, that's all I ever fucking wanted." I yelled at their backs. I looked down at the sidewalk and shock my head. I don't know what I'm doing.

I finally made it home that night, funny I don't remember how I got here.

"KIM" I heard Two Bit yell as my door flew open. I pulled the covers over my head and buried my face in the pillow. Two Bit took a running leap and jumped onto my bed.

"Kim, you have a game in two hours, come on, get up." He said pulling the covers off the bed. I rolled over, my head pounding from a well deserved hang over. I had totally forgotten about my basketball game. I groaned.

"I need a beer." I said with my eyes still closed. Two Bit laughed.

"Damn sis, looks like you had a rough night." He disappeared for a few seconds. When he came back I had sat up, which was a much harder task than expected.

"Here ya go" He said handing me the beer I had asked for. "You've seen me with so many hangovers you know exactly what'll make it all better." He sighed and stared at the floor with a strange look on his face. I took a few gulps and scooted closer to him.

"What's eatin' you Two Bit?" I asked expecting to get the usual tale of one of the many blondes that roamed in and out of his life.

"You're growin up little sister. You've been drinking here lately and getting hangovers that are just as bad as mine. You can almost out drink me now, that scares me Kim." He said not looking up from the floor. I sighed from agitation.

"Don't start in on me Two Bit. Don't act like Steve and Dally." I said raising my voice as I recalled the events of last night. He looked at me with a confused expression on his face.

"What do you mean 'like Steve and Dally'" He said.

"Oh don't play stupid Two Bit. I know they fuckin told you about it. That's why you brought it up in the first place." I said draining my beer.

"What the hell are you talking about Kim?" He said standing up. "What do Steve and Dally know that I don't?" I looked up at him and I could tell he had no idea what I was talking about.

"You haven't noticed anything have you? You don't dig it do you Two Bit? You just look right over me, like I'm not even here. You don't have any idea what's going on in my life." I said, my voice raising even higher as I stood up.

"How can you say that Kim, I'm your fucking brother." He said looking at me with anger in his eyes.

"Alright Two Bit, if you're so much of a brother to me then how come you haven't noticed that I've been smoking weed and taking pills for a year? How did you miss the fact that I've been fucked up at school every single day? You say you know me so well because I'm your sister, but in reality I'm a perfect stranger to you." He was looking at me in shock, like he'd never seen me before in his life. He shook his head, trying to let it sink in.

"You've been doing what?" He said in voice slightly above a whisper.

"Yeah, you're little sister's been getting high. I've been getting fucked up every single day. And you've been to busy trying to get some action. You've been to wrapped up in your own life to notice anything that's been going on with me." I shook my head in disgust and rejection. "You're just like our father." I spat the words out like there was a foul taste in my mouth. I saw his shocked, bewildered eyes blaze with anger. It was a mix of anger and hatred I'd never seen in him before. But my eyes were filled with just as much anger and hatred as his. He quickly drew his hand back and I braced myself for the blow I knew was to come. He looked at me and dropped his arm. The anger in his eyes turned to hurt and resentment. We stared at each other for a few seconds taking harsh, deep breathes. Then he stormed out of my room and slammed the door. I sat down on my bed and looked up at the ceiling. I jumped when I heard the front door slam as well. I got up and looked out my window as Two Bit got into his car and speed off down the street.


	9. Under the Influence

Chapter Nine

"Mathews, you're benched for the rest of the game." Coach said in the locker room during half time.

" What?" I yelled jumping up and throwing my towel down.

"You're playing like a maniac. You're taking wild shots and letting people get past you. I don't know where you're concentrations been but you need to get it back on that court." I plopped down and cracked my knuckles.

When we walked back out onto the court I took my seat and looked around the gym. That's what I'd been doing all night. I had already spotted the guys up at the very top of the bleachers. But Two Bit was nowhere to be seen. He's never missed one of my games. I stared down at the floor beneath my feet. I screwed up big this time. I looked down at my shoes. How could I say that to him. He's nothing like our father. I let my face drop into my hands and sighed. Damn I need a beer. I looked around the gym, it was filled to the max with parents and students. There was so much noise, but I couldn't hear it. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts. I let my team down, I let Two Bit down, I let the guys down. I stood up and walked towards the door. Nobody noticed, they were to wrapped up in the game. I felt the cool night air hit my face as I made my way out of the parking lot. I walked towards the DX to get some beer. I spotted Dally's car outside and took a deep breath. I knew he was probably mad at me but damn it I want some beer. I walked in the door and caught a glimpse of Old Joe slipping Dally some weed. He stuffed it in his pocket and looked up, I met his gaze before walking to the back and grabbing a twelve pack. When I walked back up to the counter he was gone.

"This all for ya Kimmy?" He asked.

"Give me a dime and four" I said, putting my money on the counter as he reached below it to get my drugs. I put them in the bag since I was still wearing my uniform that had no pockets. I walked outside and shivered, my cloths were still in my locker at the gym. I wasn't about to go back there right now. So I turned to head towards the house. I started to walk across the street when a car pulled up right in front of me. Dally motioned for me to get in with a cool jerk of his head. I gave an agitated sigh although I was quit grateful, a twelve pack can get pretty heavy on a fifteen minute walk. I slammed the door and sat back as he took off.

"You need to change." He said not taking his eyes off the road.

"Excuse me?" I said turning to face him as anger wield up inside of me.

His knuckles turned white as he gripped the stirring wheel.

"Your clothes kid, it's cold outside." He said looking at me as he stopped in front of my house.

"Oh," I said meekly as I turned I grabbed my bag. He put his hand out to stop me.

"Just leave it, I'll wait for you out here." He said.

"But I gotta take a shower" I said, not wanting him to wait outside.

"Just make it quick Kim." He said looking at me strangely before lighting a smoke. I closed the door and walked around the car. I tried to figure out why Dally was acting so weird. But nobody ever questioned Dallas Winston and I sure as hell wasn't going to start. When I walked in the door I was suddenly struck with a sense urgency. I raced up the stairs and jumped in the shower. Five minutes later I was brushing out my wet hair and throwing on a bit of makeup. I bolted down the stairs and stopped at the door. I calmly opened it and walked outside towards the car. I got in and reached for a beer out of my bag. I opened it and lit a smoke.

"Wanna Beer?" I asked Dally as he pulled away from the curb.

"Yea," He said reaching for one. We passed the Curtis' house and I wondered where we were going. I nodded in recognition as we turned into the lot. We sat there and finished our beers in silence.

"I saw you in the DX" I said as I threw my bottle out the window. I felt no need to elaborate, he knew what I was talking about.

"I figured that much." He said reaching into his pocket and tossing the bag onto the dash board. I bent down grabbed the bag the held my weed and pills and it threw up beside his. He turned to look at me and I held his gaze.

"I've known you for a long time Kim, since you were in third grade. I guess I just never thought you'd get mixed up in all this." He said looking at the stirring wheel.

"How could I not Dally, I live in the same neighborhood as the rest of you. I didn't know the score then, but I do now. I know who I am, I know what I am and I know that's never gonna change. The least I can do is have fun while I can, why not forget my problems while I'm at it. I know they're never gonna disappear, they'll always be there but not thinking about it for a few hours is the best feeling in the world." I said looking at him as he turned to face me again. To my surprise he smiled I wasn't expecting that, but you never know what to expect with him.

"I can't argue with that Kim, because It's the truth, and I understand." he said, eyeing the weed. "We've never gotten high together have we?" I shook my head.

"I've never gotten high with anyone but myself." I said with a laugh as he started to roll a joint. I grabbed my bag and started to roll as well. A few minutes later we each had five perfectly rolled joints sitting in front of us.

"You're the first person besides me I've ever seen do that" he said with a grin.

"Do what?" I asked as I reached for my pills.

"Roll it all up before you start smoking." He said. I laughed.

"I just figure it's a hell of a lot easier to roll it all while your sober." I said reaching for a beer and handing him one as well.

"Me too." He said, taking a drink.

"Here" I said handing him two pills, take one before you start smoking. Take the other one with your last beer and joint. It'll really fuck you up." I said as I popped a pill in my mouth and took a big swig of my beer before lighting my first joint. We sat there in the car smoking and talking about nothing really. Laughing at each other when we chocked on our smoke. After two joints Dally wanted to walk around so we grabbed another joint and headed down the street. We made it to the park and sat down on some swings. Halfway through our third joint a car pulled up in front of us. We both stiffened and squinted through the darkness. Dally stood up as a figure approached us. I gave a sigh of relief when Steve came into clear view. He looked at Dally then at me, taking in the sight. I saw his face harden.

"Two Bit's looking for you Kim. He wants you home" He said through clenched teeth. I looked at my watch.

"It's only midnight Steve. There's no way he's at the house this early. Besides, he probably never wants to see my face again." I said eyeing him as I took a long draw off my joint.

"So what are ya'll up to tonight?" He asked Dally.

"Nothing, just hanging out, ya know catching up, we have a lot to talk about." Dally said.

"Alright," Steve said turning to leave. "If you need anything, you know where we are." He said as he walked away. I sighed as I tossed my roach to the ground. It wasn't until Steve had gotten into his car and drove out of sight that Dally sat back down.

"Is there anything between you two?" He asked as he finished his joint and threw it aside. I shrugged my shoulders.

"I like him Dally, but I could never love him. I'll never love anyone again." I said looking at the ground.

"I know how that is Kim. It sucks." He said before standing up. "I want another beer."

"Me too." I said following him back to the car.

"You and Two Bit get into another fight?" He asked as he opened his beer and pulled out of the lot.

"Yeah, and I have a feeling it'll be our last one." I said taking a drink and lighting a smoke.

"Oh come on Kim, you know ya'll always get over it. You two are to close to not talk to each other for more than a few days." He said looking over at me.

"We aren't really that close anymore Dally. Things have changed since you been gone." I turned to look out the window. "He just looks right over me now. He didn't even notice the change in me when I got high."

"Did it occur to you that maybe he didn't want to notice, maybe it was just to much for him ya know." He said looking back at the road.

"Yeah maybe." I said. We were quite until we pulled up at Bucks place twenty minutes later. I grabbed our joints and he got the remaining six beers and I followed him to the door. I stuck close to Dally when we entered the house. I've been here many times before but it was always with all the guys not just one, these parties can get pretty wild. I followed Dally up to the room he always crashed in. He sat the beers down and I tossed the weed onto the night stand.

"Do you wanna stay up here or go down to the party?" He said. I shrugged.

"Lets go down for awhile" I said grabbing a joint, "Lets smoke one more first." He grinned at me.

"You read my mind." He said tossing me a beer as well. When we were through, I was ready to party, I was really starting to feel high and it was great. I walked downstairs while Dally changed his shirt. I spotted Curly Shepherd making his way through the crowd towards me. I grinned at him as he approached.

"Damn Kim, you looked fucked up." He said with a laugh.

"That's cause I am." I said laughing. "All I need now is a beer." I smiled as he handed me one.

"You don't get out this way much anymore." He said. "As a matter of fact I was talking to Tim a few minutes ago about you." I looked at him in mock anger.

"And what exactly were you saying about me?" I said.

"Nothing bad, just telling him how much you've grown up. He says he can't picture Kimmy Mathews all grown up." I laughed at the childhood nickname.

"The only person that still calls me that is Old Joe at the DX." I said scanning the crowd. "Where's old Timmy at, I haven't seen him in about a year."

"Oh, he left about five minutes ago said something about taking care of some business." Curly said with a shrug.

"What are you two kids up to?" Dally said walking up behind us.

"Nothing Dally, when have you ever known me and Curly to get in any kind of trouble?" I said innocently. He grinned at me.

"If you need anything I'll be at the bar." He said inching around us.

"Damn, he looks high as hell too." Curly said looking at me. I rolled my eyes and looked around. Curly's girlfriend had spotted us and came walking up.

"How ya doin Sheila?" I asked.

'Oh I'm fine just a little tired and ready to go home." She said eyeing Curly.

"Alright, alright. Guess I'll see ya later Kim." He said as she drug him away. I shock my head and headed to the bar. I walked up beside Dally and told the guy behind the bar to hand me a beer.

"How old are you?" He asked staring down at me.

"Take it easy Jim, she's with me." Dally said, putting his hand on my shoulder.

"Oh, alright" The guy said then handed me a beer. "Sorry about that, it's just hard to tell these days." I smiled at him.

"Its alright, thanks." I said taking a big gulp. Dally swung around in his stool and glared at the corner of the room.

"I can't believe that broad has the nerve to show up here with another guy." He said. I followed the trail of heat that blazed from his eyes. I spotted his ex, Sylvia sitting on some guys lap, it looked like she was trying to swallow his face. I gave a laugh of disgust.

"That bitch was never good enough for you anyway." I said tuning back towards the bar. Dally did the same.

"I think you're right." he said downing his beer. I did the same.

"Of course I am" I said but I could still feel the air vibrating with the force of his anger. I ordered another beer and stood up. "I'm going back upstairs for awhile, this party's dieing out."

"Yeah, lets go." Dally said.

"Hey" I said as an idea popped into my head. "Let's piss Sylvia off."

"What do you have in mind?" He said with a grin.

"You know that broad hates me." I said with a evil glint in my eyes. "How will she feel if she thinks me and you are here together. Know what I mean?" He smiled at me.

"You're vicious Kim" He said with a laugh.

"Just play along." I said slipping my arm through his. I walked over toward Sylvia. Stopping within hearing distance of her and her new guy. I turned towards Dally.

"This parties getting boring Dallas," I whined. "Lets go up to your room" I said wrapping my arms around his neck. He slipped his hand around my waist, pulling me closer to him.

"I'm ready whenever you are" He said resting his forehead against mine.

"I've been ready for the longest." I said bringing my lips closer to his. I stopped and expected him to as well. But it didn't quit work out that way. He closed the distance and I gasp in surprise, but went along with it as planned. He slowly inched his tongue into my mouth and I allowed him to. I have no idea how long we kissed, it couldn't have been more than a few seconds. But when I pulled way I was breathless, I looked up at him and saw the flicker of an emotion in his eyes I couldn't quit place. But as soon as I saw it, it was gone. I quickly regained control of myself as well. I glanced over at Sylvia, she was staring holes through me. I gave her a crocked smile before letting Dally lead me to the stairs. As we ascended I glanced over my shoulder at her one last time. I smiled at the fact that she was still shooting daggers at me. I handed Dally his other pill as soon as we entered the room. I grabbed a beer and tossed Dally the last one. We were silent as we took our pills and lit our last joints. Dally opened the window and sat on the window sill. I climbed out the window onto the two story balcony and sat down with my back against the wall. I took a long hit and coughed up a storm while I exhaled.

"Damn" I said blinking back the tears. I stared up at the sky, you could see the stars really good out here on the outskirts of town.

"Pretty, isn't it?" I said looking up at Dally.

"Yeah, it is." He said not taking his eyes off the sky.

"I sit here almost every night, looking up at the sky." He said. "No body knows that though, and I'll deny it if you tell them." He said with a laugh. I smiled up at him.

"I know you would." I said taking another long hit, but not choking that time.

"I'll be back" Dally said throwing his finished joint down towards the ground. I sighed as I heard the door shut. I wondered how long Two Bit would be mad at me. I couldn't blame him if he never spoke to me again. I finished my joint and tossed it over the rail. I climbed back into the room as Dally came back in with two more beers. We both sat down on the bed and leaned against the head board sipping on our beers. A few minutes later I lit a cigarette and sighed.

"I told Two Bit he was just like our father." I said looking down at my beer in shame. I heard Dally let out a long breath. He lit a smoke before he said anything.

"That's rough Kim" He said shaking his head.

"I know." I said trying to fight back the tears. "I was just so mad, I didn't mean to say it Dally. I didn't mean it, he knows I didn't mean it." A tear fell down my cheek and Dally looked at me.

"I know Kim, it'll just take some time for him to come around." He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer.

"Is it o.k. if I crash here tonight?" I asked looking up at him.

"Yeah, it's fine." He said.

"Thanks." I leaned my head back and almost instantly dosed off. I half way woke up when Dally took my shoes off and pulled the covers over me. I was in such a deep sleep that I hardly heard the door fly open the next morning. It wasn't until the yelling started that I totally woke up.


	10. To be Sorry or Not to be Sorry

Chapter Ten

I pulled a pillow over my head to drown out the noise but it increased in volume so I had no choice but to sit up. A wave of anger washed over me, I'm in a bad enough mood every morning because of the face that I have to wake up. Being woken up by loud shouting voices is a whole nother level of pissed off.

"What the fuck?" I said loudly enough to be heard as I sat up in the bed. I rubbed my eyes so I could focus better through the foggy haze that lingers when you're so rudely awakened. A few seconds of silence passed as I realized just who's voices woke me up.

"How could you let him take advantage of you like this Kim?" Steve said with anger in his voice. I looked from him to Dally, I was still very groggy.

"Whas he talkin bout Dally?" I said not able to form the words correctly.

"I don't know, he just barged in here ranting and raving about me trying to fuck you." Dally said he seemed just as taking aback as I did with that statement. I stared back at Steve who was glaring at Dally.

"Steve," I said harshly, getting his attention. "Nothing happened" I said simply but that didn't seem to curb his anger.

"How could you let him take advantage of you like that?" Steve spat at me again with so much venom that I almost recoiled back onto the bed. But I caught myself before I did and stood up advancing on him.

"What are you trying to say Steve? You think I'm a tramp? You think that just because me and Dally slept in the same bed that we fucked? Oh forget the fact that I've known him practically my entire life. Don't stop to think that there might have been something going on that I needed to talk about." I stopped abruptly and looked at the ground.

"What happened to you being able to talk to me?" I saw him looking at me through the corner of my eye. I shrugged.

"Whatever, it doesn't matter anymore Steve. Just forget it." I said putting on my shoes and heading out the door. "See ya later Dally."

"Alright kid." He said as he climbed back into bed. The last of Bucks party friends were just leaving. What time is it I thought to myself as I followed them out the door. I looked up and saw that dawn was just breaking it had to be about 6:30 or 7. I walked off the porch and into the drive way surrounded by the dust that the late partiers cars had left in their wake. I coughed a bit, clearing my lungs and throat of the dust before lighting up a smoke. I sighed as I started to walk down the road towards town. I rolled my eyes and looked in the opposite direction when Steve's car pulled up beside me. I wasn't surprised, I knew he'd follow me out.

"Get in the car Kim" He said after a few minutes of creping beside me at about 5 mph.

"No" I said still not looking at him but I could feel his gaze intently on my face.

"I'm not playing this game anymore, get in the fucking car or I'll make you get in" He said with so much hostility that I stopped in my tracks. I turned towards him with anger written blatantly all over my face

"How would you go about accomplishing that threat." I said through clenched teeth. He sighed and stopped the car.

"Where else are you gonna go? You're still drunk from last night and probably still high to. If some miracle occurs and you make it to town without passing out on the side of the road first, where are you gonna go?" I stood there and finished my smoke giving an irritated sigh I climbed into the car. I sat there with my arms crossed over my chest, slumped back, staring straight ahead. Steve drove without a word as well. I looked out the window as we came into town. I watched as the buildings and shops blurred with the speed we were traveling at. It's just like my life, I thought, blurring with such speed and I was powerless to stop it. I didn't know where I'd end up or if I'd end up anywhere but the town cemetery. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, I didn't know where Steve was going but at this point I didn't care, we could drive off a cliff and I couldn't care less. The only thing that would sadden me was the waste of Steve's life. He could really go somewhere do something. But me, I couldn't I didn't have any talents, besides basketball I guess. How far could that take me? To College maybe but what would happen after that? What assurance do I have that my knee wont give out, or something. If anything like that happened it was all down the drain. I sighed and dropped my head down to stare at my beat up sneakers. I smiled slightly at the frayed shoe strings and patched up holes. My mom had spent hours patching the worn out fabric. My vision blurred as I thought of my mom. How disappointed would she be if she found out what I was doing. I brought my hand to my mouth to stifle a sob as I thought about how my mothers heart would break if she knew what I had said to Two Bit.

"Would you please stop it" Steve's voice rang through my thoughts. I turned to look at him with a tear stricken face and haze filled red eyes that told of my drug and alcohol filled night. "I don't feel sorry for you anymore Kim, you do these things to yourself." His words hit me like a thousand knives. I remained silent not letting any emotion show on my stony face. "What? You have nothing to say? No more angry outbursts to bring pity on you?" I was in no mood to defend myself even if I was I couldn't. I realized that what he said was true, and I'd always known that. I just chose not to see it.

"Drop me off at my house." I said without hesitation. Steve shrugged and turned around to head towards my street. I was thankful that he didn't have anything else to say and if he did he kept it to himself. As we pulled up I opened the door and got out without a second glance at him. I looked up the tattered and ragged walk way that lead to my house. I was through with it, I was finished with running from my past. I was through with running from my actions, through with running from myself. I closed the door to an empty house, no one was home but me and I could feel the emptiness of it all. I looked at the floor and shook my head, if anyone was like my father It was me, not Two Bit. Now all I have to do is find the courage to say that to him. I thought as I walked up the stairs to my room.

The sound of the door slamming woke me up instantly. I sat straight up and got out of bed. I glanced at the clock, damn, 8 pm. I slowly walked out and looked downstairs. It was my brother alright, and he had a blond pinned up against the door frame kissing her. I cleared my throat and they both stared up at me.

"Who is that?" The girl said with a hint of anger in her voice.

"Damnit Kim, don't you have somewhere to be." He said looking at me with cold eyes. "It's just my sister." He said turning back to the girl.

"I thought you said nobody would be here." She said not even having the class to lower her voice.

"Nobody's gonna be here" He said giving me a look that was colder than the last. I turned and walked into my room grabbed my jacket and headed downstairs. They were still propped against the door.

"Excuse me." I said bitterly to the girl. "Two Bit, be sure to wash the filth away when you're done." I said as I walked out and slammed the door. This is just fucking great, I thought to myself. I was beginning to not regret my words to him as much as I had before. It's shit like that that pisses me off so much. After walking off some steam I began to worry about a place to stay for the night. I could always go over to the Curtis' place but I'd never stayed the night there unless there was a party or something. I took a deep breath and turned down their street. I'd just have to swallow my pride and ask if I could stay the night. I spotted the house and headed towards the door. I knocked and waited for an answer. I wasn't the type to just barge in places, no matter how good of friends we are. It was Soda that answered with a grin on his face as he yelled for nobody to look at his cards.

"Hey Kim, everything o.k." He said not expecting it to be me at the door. I forced a grin.

"Hey Soda, ya think I could crash on your couch tonight?" I asked staring at my feet.

"Hell yeah, you know better than to ask a question like that." He said dragging me into the house. "You also know better than to knock on our door like you're some stranger." He said giving me a playful shove into the room. I stopped abruptly seeing Steve and Dally there sitting next to each other as if nothing had happened earlier. I couldn't help but smile. No matter what happened between any of them they were back on speaking terms within hours. Wish I could say the same for my brother and myself.

"Hey." I said to the guys before taking a seat at the table. They nodded, acknowledging my presence.


End file.
